Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
You Might Also Like
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.