Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through