processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
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I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.