do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.