I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
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Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
socratic questions
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.