Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
You Might Also Like
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]