ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
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Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON