I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Beware of the dog..
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore