I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
You Might Also Like
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that