Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
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20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Real House Wines.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?