If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
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The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Friday
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.