Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)