Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
You Might Also Like
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
the last thing a carrot sees
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
At least he brought enough for everyone