When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.