My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
live, laugh, laundry.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.