Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
You Might Also Like
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.