Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
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An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS