No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
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Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids