[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
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It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”