You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
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*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
real
me before I type out affect or effect
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
🙂🐾
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?