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[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.