“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
You Might Also Like
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.