Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess