I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
You Might Also Like
Y’all know who you are.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.