In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
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I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
He a real one for that
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I’m already scared
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”