Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
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God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone