Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
You Might Also Like
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.