Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
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I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.