Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
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Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)