This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
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Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
he chose this
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.