I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
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That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
this is the greatest thing ever
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.