HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
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Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”