How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
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[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”