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Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.