My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
You Might Also Like
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
She was REALLY feeling it.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*