If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.