cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”