How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
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Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.