Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.