Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
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I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
life finds a way
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Lmao
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.