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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I’m being attacked 😭
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos