[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
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Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
#winning
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves