Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home