Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.