If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
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me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
just pretend nothing happened
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.