Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
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*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
TRAIN’S HERE
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”