I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My sex drive has a dui
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*