Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
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why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again