One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
You Might Also Like
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.