The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
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Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?